Q.
My eleven-year-old daughter is large for her age, while my son, who is a year older, eats constantly and has a slight frame. Family members compare them all the time and make comments to both my kids that bother me. I’m not sure how my daughter feels about it to be honest. Any ideas on shutting down the comments politely?
A.
Adults – even well-meaning family and friends – should not be commenting on children’s body sizes. Both positive and negative comments directed to children about their bodies can have a negative impact on their self-esteem and relationship with their bodies as they grow up. Your instinct to shut these down is right on! Let’s explore how to go about this in family settings.
If we know there are certain adults in our children’s lives who may be prone to commenting on their body size or how much food they eat (or don’t eat), I would suggest reaching out to talk to them about this before there is a family gathering where the comments may occur. For example, if your aunt tends to always point out which child is larger or who is eating more at dinner, call or text ahead of the get-together and let her know this is not okay to do around them. You might say, “We are looking forward to spending some time together on Sunday. I wanted to reach out before then to let you know that it is important to us that people don’t comment on the kids’ body sizes or point out how much they are eating. How we speak to them about themselves and their bodies really plays a role in how they see themselves. So, we want to make sure that those close to them are non-judgmental and compassionate.”
You may want to send this in a group message to assist with any feelings of discomfort you might have with one-on-one confrontation. If you are in the moment and experience an adult making a comment about your child’s body, step in firmly and say something like, “Please don’t comment on (fill in the blank). In our family, we know that all bodies are good and lovable. Bodies come in all different shapes and sizes and that’s okay. She is healthy and strong.” Or, it may be as simple as saying, “Please don’t talk about what they are eating again, thank you!”
It can feel pretty tricky to stand up to other adults about their comments. That’s normal. Practice can help. Walk through some examples with a friend or a partner and see what words sit right for you. It can also help to reflect on what your child experiences in these moments. If a parent joins in on the comment or ignores it, it can send the message to your child that you agree or are somehow judging them in that same way. Kids pay close attention to how their parents label them or speak about them. As parents, we can build kids’ resiliency by promoting positive self-talk and supporting kids in developing a sturdy sense of self that does not rely on appearance as a marker of success.
If you experience a moment with your child where comments are made, it is a good opportunity to check in with them about how they feel about it. “What was it like for you when Aunt Mary made that comment? I do not agree with her, and I’m wondering how you feel?” Inviting your child to name any negative feeling or self-criticism that came up for them gives them an opportunity to untangle those negative thoughts and release them. You also can use the opportunity to impart words that nurture a positive self-esteem, such as, “I want you to know I think you’re great exactly as you are right now.” Comments from adults who are close to them have a strong influence on the child’s ever-developing internal world. It matters what they hear.
